Harry Potter and the Kajen Sisterhood
by The Kajen Sisterhood
Summary: Havoc insues when Ron and Harry meet WipWop, captain of the Gnomie army. Together they set out to defeat Lord Voldemort or to acomplish absolutely nothing. Whichever comes first. (Leave your Canon at the door and prepare to be rather confused.)
1. Naked in the Dark

Eh.... Disclaimer, disclaimer, disclaimer. You all know the drill. None of us (Katie, Jenny, or myself ,"the technical director of this story.") own Harry Potter or anything related to him. Katie and Jenny do, however, own various assorted characters such as Wipwop, Burrito Monkey & company, and GETIMIMITY, KRAMERICA. Any recognizable characters, phrases, or areas from others stories that are making cameos do not belong to us either. Yes. I am only doing this once, so, that is all.

HARRY POTTER AND THE KAJEN SISTERHOOD

By, The Kajen Sisterhood Chapter 1: Naked In The Dark

"What do you think it is, Harry?" Ron asked feebly. But Harry did not know. It was the first day of summer vacation, and Harry was staying with Ron at the Burrow, along with Hermione, Malfoy, Hagrid, Neville, and Dobby. What the others did not know, however, was that Harry and Ron had taken a stroll down the lane and had discovered a mysterious forest.

"Well, Harry, what is it?" Ron persisted.

"I don't... Eurgh! I just stepped in something wet!" Harry yelled out.

"Er...sorry." Ron mumbled quietly.

"That's okay," Harry murmured, "I don't blame you. I blame your bladder control problem." Harry turned from the puddle of noxious liquid to face the woods ahead of them. "Well, this is it," Harry sighed, "Gnome country."

"That looks bloody brilliant!" Ron yelled in anguish. "It could go on for miles!" he sighed anxiously.

"Well, should we keep going?" Harry asked.

"Let's go." Ron said quickly. As they headed in, the forest appeared more and more sinister every time they looked at it. Its stubby crab grass loomed over them menacingly. The dead and crackling shrubberies seemed to thicken with every step. The shrill cackle of a distant sparrow haunted Harry's thoughts and memories. Ron whimpered in the dark beside him. Harry could only faintly make out with the trees in all the darkness. But suddenly a white light shone down on them, beckoning them to come closer. Ron shrieked as they heard a deep booming voice address them. "Experience the wonder... Experience the excitement... Experience the magic... that is... WIPWOP!" Confetti began to fall from the sky and Harry and Ron watched, horrified, as a platform lowered to the ground. It appeared to be holding a gnome. But this was no gnome. This was Wipwop.

"Greetings!" Wipwop cheered, "Welcome to Gnome country. May I escort you to Popopstropolis? I think I will!" and before he could add in more about cucumbers and monkeys, they were being led deep into the forest.

"So, er, Wipwop, who...are you?" Harry asked hesitantly.

"Stray from the road and I'll step on your toad!" Wipwop replied. Harry and Ron exchanged puzzled glances. A while later, Harry, Ron, and Wipwop stepped in front of an enormously streetwise tree.

"What's this?" Ron asked. "Do we go in there, or something?"

"Oh, heavens, no. That old thing? Ha!" Wipwop clapped his hands twice, and a hole appeared in the ground. Wipwop pushed them in and then jumped in after them. They fell a ways and then landed in a circular room. It was filled with gnome holes, stacked on top of each other. Suddenly gnomes popped out of the holes and cheered, "Greetings! Welcome to Popopstropolis! Would you like to hear the gnomie national anthem?" Harry and Ron exchanged puzzled glances.

"Oh, Gizz, Gizz, Glorious Gizz, everyone is talking 'bout you!

Oh, Gizz, Gizz, Glorious Gizz, let thy heart be true!

Oh, Gizz, Gizz, Glorious Gizz, there's nothing to deny!

Oh, Gizz, Gizz, Glorious Gizz, hail thee to the sky!

Gizz, Gizz. Gizz, Gizz. A-Gizzy-Gizz. Gizz, Gizz.

OOH! ah. OOH! ah. OOH! a-Gizzy-Gizz.

OOH! Chihuahua. OOH! Chihuahuahua.

OOH! Chihuahua. OOH! Chihuahuahua.

LET'S GO GIZZ!"

Harry and Ron were flabbergasted. "Uhh... excuse me? Excuse me!" Harry said, "yeah... well, we kinda have to leave, um, _now_, because, um... because..."

"We are on a mission!" Ron broke in. "Yes, we are on a mission...and on this mission (purchased at the mission store for $25.95) we must...uh...doi..."

"Defeat Lord Voldemort!" yelled Harry, "So if you'll excuse us, we must be going. We've got a lot of work to do..." Harry tugged on Ron's sleeve.

Ron pulled his arm away. "Harry, wait!" he said, "I bet the gnomes can help us on our quest!"

"Ron! We aren't _on_ a quest! Now, let's go!"

"Fellow gnomes!" Ron bellowed. "We are on a quest to defeat Lord Voldemort! Will you help us?"

"No!" Harry shouted.

"Yes!" Wipwop reassured them. "We will help you. My gnomie friends and I are quite familiar with fighting against ceaseless evil. Take for example, Wipwipe. But I digress. My gnomes will get into their armor and begin packing immediately. They will be ready momentarily." Wipwop then left, giving orders to the gnomes.

Ron spun around to face Harry. "What'd you do that for? You-Know-Who? That's what our mission is about? Destroying You-Know-Who? Oh, you're bloody mad. Okay, brilliant, just brilliant.... Now we have an army of these gnome thangs expecting to be led into battle against the Grand Old Vole! I mean, really, Harry, how do we get out of this one? If we tell them we're lying, they'll probably cut our heads off, and if we do go into battle, which is basically impossible considering we have absolutely no idea where he is, how do you expect us to defeat the Old Vole, possibly the most powerful wizard alive? I want chicken, I want liver, meow mix, meow mix, please deliver!!!!... I'm sorry, did you say something, Harry?"

Harry looked as if he would explode with frustration.

"Eh? Harry? Whatcha gonna do? What're we gonna do now? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? HUH? How do we get out of this one?"

"Why, you don't!" Wipwop said, "Gnomes are impervious to magic, by the by." Wipwop had been standing behind them the whole time Harry and Ron had been talking.

"Have you been standing there the whole time?" Ron yelled.

"Yes, and frankly, Ron, I don't care for you're attitude. Anyway, the troops are scrambled and ready to set out. The question is, are you?"


	2. Something not quite completely different...

Chapter 2: Something not quite completely different, but close.

Harry, Ron, and Wipwop, accompanied by the gnomie army, marched through the sinister woods in the dark. Suddenly, Harry spotted movement out of the corner of his eye and gasped. "Ron, did you see that?" he said, pointing.

"HARRY, NO! STOP!!!" Ron bellowed, seizing Harry's arm and slamming it back against his side. "Don't do that, Harry! That's a sign of war!" He looked suspiciously from side to side, trying to see if anyone had see Harry's misunderstood motion.

"What's a sign of war?" Harry asked, completely lost and disgusted.

"Pointing! That's the international sign for 'attack'!" Ron said quietly, still glancing about.

"What? Are you mental?"

"Of course, if you knew better, you would have realized that this is the proper signaling motion." Ron made a swift chopping motion in the air.

"What? How is this a signaling motion?" Harry repeated the motion. "I mean, who have you seen lately that chops the air to look at something? And who points at something to signal an attack?"

"They do it all the time!" Ron replied.

"Really. Actually, if my sources are correct, when wizards want to attack something, they point their wand. And last time I checked, I've been in more battles than you."

"What, you don't think baskets are dangerous? And anyway, what if the other wizards couldn't see what they were attacking, hm? They'd need someone to point it out!"

"Why would they be attacking something they couldn't see? And how come the one wizard could see it if no one else could?"

"Because, he's Dumbledore, and he can always see you in your invisibility cloak!"

"Why is Dumbledore attacking me?"

"Because, earlier that day at lunch, Dumbledore had assigned you a bad lab partner, so you beat him up and stole his lunch money. Didn't you, Harry? And then he retaliated by gathering all the teachers and forming an army from them. Didn't he, Harry? And then he had Hagrid take you down. But you couldn't let that happen, now, could you, Harry? You couldn't let that trash your reputation as the basket killer you are. So you killed Hagrid, too! And you stole his lunch money! And you took Fang and all the chickens and hiked up to the teacher's lounge to stake your claim! Didn't you, Harry? But Dumbledore wasn't going to let that happen, so he and the teacher army hiked up to the teacher's lounge and you battled it out, didn't you, Harry? Didn't you, Harry? Didn't you?" Ron bellowed, pointing accusingly at Harry.

"_What?"_

"You're right. Too angry. Don't want to be too angry. Might lose the case." Ron muttered to no one in particular.

"Hey, wait a minute, you were just pointing at me!" Harry said, annoyed.

"Exactly." Ron whispered mischievously, a strange look in his eye. "Say goodbye, Potter."

"That's it," Harry shouted. "We are broken up for the rest of the day!"


	3. Hold on, Eh, what?

Chapter 3: Hold On, Eh what? Harry, Ron, and Wipwop continued to trek through the uncharted woods. 

"Wait," Harry said. "I think I heard something."

"What?" Ron asked.

"I can't quite tell, but I know it's something stupid." Harry replied, eyes darting to and fro all the livelong day. Suddenly, Wipwop came up behind them and whispered,

"Get down. The trees have eyebrows."

They all ducked just in time to see bullets whizzing over their heads.

"Those look like machine gun bullets from a very streetwise machine gun!" Ron whimpered in agony and ventriloquism. Harry shot Ron a very confused glance. The bullets stopped suddenly. Harry and Ron heard cackling in the background and rustling in the trees.

"The trees are attacking! Who pointed?" Ron gargled next to Harry, frantically trying to spot who had pointed.

Look!" Wipwop said. They all looked up into the trees, and could hardly believe their eyes. They could hardly believe their ears, either, as they were filled with grief as a horrible rendition of Puttin' On The Ritz filled their ears. They stared up in horror as their nightmare came true. It was Gollum, wearing a tophat and black spandex capris. In one hand he held Hermione, in the other a machine gun. He was holding a cane in one foot, and was swinging on a vine with the other foot. He was singing Puttin' on the Ritz very badly.

"Ta da!" Gollum cheered, landing on the ground in front of them. Harry and Ron screamed in unison. "Point and the girl dies!" Gollum snarled, holding the gun to Hermione's head.

Harry jumped to his feet, pointed his wand at Gollum, and yelled, "Expelliarmus!" Gollum was knocked to the ground, releasing Hermione, the gun and the cane, and hit a tree, at which point a boom box playing background music to Puttin' in the Ritz fell out of his pocket and landed at Harry's feet. It then exploded, sending shards of peanut gallery flying in every direction. A horrible version of the Oompa Loompa Music began.

"Make it stop!" Ron screeched.

Suddenly, a small ambulance fell out of the canopy, playing eerie ice cream truck music. It landed a foot from Gollum. Two Oompa Loompas burst out, chanting "hup, hup, hup..." They collected the shards of the once-proud radio, and stuffed it into the back of the ambulance. With a screech, they flew back up into the canopy, and were never seen again, although they could still hear the music echoing down to them.

"Uh oh. Echo! Didn't you see them point?" Ron randomly gasped for air and fainted.

"Jeez, Ron, Harry's usually the one who faints." Hermione put in casually, quickly stepping away from Gollum.

"I do not faint!" Harry protested, feeling his cheeks turn red.

Hermione took out a pen and paper. "Well, actually, Harry, I have evidence of the contrary. Remember in the first book, after you fought the Old Vole, you fainted then, and then in the second book, after your arm bones were removed, you fainted, and in the third book, you fainted about eight times for various reasons..."

"Okay! So I do faint once in a while." Harry said.

"Oh, no, Harry, you faint a lot. I'm sure you fainted at least ten times during the school years, not to mention over the summer..."

"All right! I get it!" Harry shouted. "But I'm sure everyone else here has fainted at least once in their life, right?"

"Well, I've never fainted, Harry." Hermione stated.

"Me neither, of course, I'm impervious to magic." Wipwop joined in.

"Oh, I don't faint, I'm just evil." Gollum offered.

"Yeah, I've never fainted, either!" Ron said, standing up. Harry and Hermione gave each other looks. Gollum gave himself a look. Wipwop fell asleep. "So, what'd I miss?" Ron asked. "Oh my gosh! Echo! (Gasp) Echo! (Gasp, Gasp) I feel faint..." and he fainted again.

"Moving on!" Hermione said. "So, Harry, what should we do with that thing?" she asked, pointing at Gollum.

"Well, uh," Harry thought, wondering what it was and why it was swinging in the trees by its toes. "I guess it could stay with us. I mean, we could use some entertainment."

"What?!" Hermione yelped. "That thing tried to shoot me!"

"Even so. It needs some clothes. Ron, do you mind?"

Ron twitched. "Uughhh... Back pocket." He gargled, still unconscious. Hermione reached into his pocket. As she did, Ron let out a ferocious growl.

"I don't think this is going to be very easy." Hermione said, reaching again into Ron's back pocket. Suddenly Ron whipped around and lunged at Hermione. He sunk his teeth into her arm.

"Ow! He bit me!" Hermione shrieked. Harry quickly reached into Ron's pocket. Ron was still latched onto Hermione's arm, but made a loud racket. Slowly, Harry took out a small brown package. "Ron, let go!" Hermione yelled.

"I'll take care of this!" Harry said, picking up a rock. He walked over to Ron and hit him on the back of his head. Ron woke up, looked around, and let go of Hermione. He then looked at Harry, holding the package.

"Harry, is that the Sorcerer's Stone? Where'd you get that?" Harry gave Ron a strange look and opened the package. Inside were Harry's pajamas.

"Ron, why do you carry my pajamas in your pocket?" He asked.

"Oh my gosh! Echo! Echo! AACK! (Gasp)"

"Hey, hey, enough of that. You don't want to break Harry's fainting record, do you, Ron?" Hermione said sarcastically.

"Oh Harry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" Ron whimpered. "Please forgive me!"

"Okay... sure..." Harry muttered.

Ron, taken completely by surprise, leaped into Harry's arms and said, "Will you marry me?"

"Umm.... Why, this is all so sudden, but I'm flattered. Ron, I..."

But Harry was cut off as two figures fell from the canopy. One landed next to Harry, the other landing foot- first into Ron's head. He was knocked aside as the person stood up and said, "I think not."


	4. No filthy white residue

Chapter 4: No Filthy white residue

"Um, who are you?" Harry asked the girl next to him.

"I'm Jenny, also known as Jenny the Jumping Woodnymph, President of the Kajen Sisterhood and Getimimity, Kramerica. That's my sister Katie. She's also President of the Kajen Sisterhood and Getimimity, Kramerica. She's got this crush on you that I just thought you should know about."

Katie stuffed Ron into a sack and waved. Harry waved back. Suddenly the bag began to squirm and Ron leapt out and yelled, "Don't do it, Harry! We're getting married, remember?! Oh, now I suppose I don't matter anymore. Is that it? You're just going to go and marry her? Hmm?! I'm just the grumpy old wife who's always telling you to get your underwear off of the floor. Well, it's not going down like that. We're getting married, whether you like it, OR NOT!"

Jenny stood with a heartbroken look on her face, then ran off. Gollum ran after her. Jenny ran as fast as she could away from the scene she had just witnessed. "I can't believe Ron would do something like that! Making Harry marry him. I mean, what about all the things Ron and I have been through? Doesn't that matter anymore? Don't I matter? Aren't I important to him? I mean, sure, I just met him, but... Oh! I don't know what to think anymore!" Jenny sobbed, and sat down on a log. Gollum came up beside her and gave her a marshmallow. "W-What's this?" Jenny asked, putting it in her mouth.

"I don't know." Gollum replied. "I found it on the ground. I thought it was yours." He gently stroked her fingernails. "You're so tense!" Gollum murmured. "Have you recently experienced emotional trauma involving two complete strangers getting married?"

"Why, yes, in fact. How did you know?" Jenny asked him.

"Well, let's just say that I used to see a lot of this kind of thing back when I was alive. But that's beside the point. Do you love peanut butter?"

"Um... I...guess so..."

"And do you love Ron?"

"But of course."

"Well, just think of it this way. Ron is like peanut butter. They're both delicious, but can get annoying if they get stuck under your fingernails. So think very hard, my child. Do you really love Ron enough to make him divorce Harry and marry you?"

"Well, yes. Yes, I do! I do!" Jenny yelled, standing up, and pulling a machine gun out of her pocket. "I'm gonna do it! That's it! Harry's going down!" She shouted and ran off in Harry's direction, leaving Gollum alone on the log.

"Jenny?" he called, "I thought what we had was special!!!!!!"

"Well, Harry? Who's it going to be? Me or...her?" Ron gestured toward Katie.

"Ron, we aren't getting married!" Harry shouted.

"Oh really?" Ron said quietly.

"NOOOOOoo!" Shrieked Jenny, leaping out from the trees, holding the machine gun. "Ron, how could you?"

"How could I what?"

"Marry Harry?"

"WE AREN'T GETTING MARRIED!" Harry shouted.

"...Oh..." Jenny muttered. "Well, then I guess I'll just..."

"NOOOOOOoooo!" Gollum shrieked, leaping out from the trees. "Jenny, how could you?"

"How could I what?"

"Marry Ron and Harry?"

"Oh, I'm not marrying Harry- just Ron."

"Oh."

"We're getting married?" Ron said, not really concerned. "Okay!"

"Are we about done here?" Hermione asked. "Okay, sorry, but we're on a quest and we need to get going! Katie? Jenny? Would you like to join us?"

"All right!" They said in unison.

"I will!" Wipwop said.

"Wipwop, you're already on the quest." Harry said.

"Really? That's grand."


	5. The Snapevine Lodge

CHAPTER 5: SNAPEVINE LODGE

Days passed. With no food, rest, or water, and having made absolutely no progress whatsoever on their quest, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Gollum, Katie, Jenny, etc., etc., etc., were exhausted.

Ron groaned. "It feels like days have passed with no food, rest, or water, and that we've made absolutely no progress whatsoever on our quest!" he sighed.

"We need to find a place to stop!" mumbled Harry.

"Hey!" shrieked Wipwop from behind them, "Look at that conveniently placed Snapevine Lodge!" They all looked up to see a giant Snape statue looming over them with a sign labeled "Snapevine Lodge". The statue had a large door and a chimney jutting from its shoulder.

"Let's go inside!" Hermione wailed.

"I dunno guys. It's a Snape statue- it could be very stupid." Harry replied. Something about it didn't seem right.

"Oh, what do you know?" Ron gurgled fiendishly next to Harry.

"Yeah, let's just go in! It can't be worse than running around in a forest with nothing but Harry's pajamas!" Gollum grunted.

"All right, fine!" Harry said, pointing to the statue. "Let's go." Ron fainted next to him. They all headed inside, after stuffing Ron into a sack once more. Harry wasn't sure, but he thought for a second that he heard screaming coming from the lodge.

As they approached the front desk, they were startled to see none other than The Snapevine. He looked up from the desk with a puzzled expression.

"Uh, we'd like to check out a room." Harry said.

"Really?" Snapevine asked. "Hey, guys! Somebody's checking in!" He bellowed to a nearby wall. As he did, it burst open, and about eighty Snapevines poured in. "Somebody's checking in?!"

"You heard me! Code 394! Somebody's checking in!" the Snapevines all at once burst into song. "Ahem.......

Well, I'm a grumpy old teacher who lives in a tree!

Snapebob Lodgepants!

Slimy and greasy and smelly are we!

Snapebob Lodgepants!

If you're scared of bad haircuts, then run while you can!

Snapebob Lodgepants!

If not, do the Snapevine-y walk or can-can!

Snapebob Lodgepants!

Snapebob Lodgepants!

Snapebob Lodgepants!

Snapebob Lodgepants!

Snapebob......... Lodgepants!"

In unison, Harry, Ron, etc., etc., ran for the exit, screaming in terror. Snapevine stood up and yelled, "I don't think so!" He slammed his hand down onto a button on the desk. Suddenly their exit was blocked by a massive metal door.

"We're trapped!" screeched Hermione.

Suddenly they fell through a trapdoor, down into a dark room, landing on fluffy, brightly colored eggplants. They sat there for a second or two, stunned. Then a shaft of light shone down in front of them. Standing in the light was Snapevine. He stood with his back to them. "Good day, class." he said. He slowly, dramatically, turned his face towards them. Silence filled the room. Suddenly, he whirled around and started to disco. "Are you ready to _PARTY_?!" Snape twirled around the dance floor.

"_YEAH! I'M READY TO PARTY!"_ Ron yelled. A disco ball was lowered down into the room. The Snapevines lowering the disco ball were hesitant.

"You know, if this doesn't go as planned, Snape could be fired."

"So? What do I care if Snape gets himself fired?"

"You're Snapevine too, you know!"

"Oh, yeah."

"No matter. I'm sure the kids won't catch on to the master plan. Why would they?"

"Because a copy of the master plan just fell out of Snapevine's pocket."

"Oh. That could be a problem."

Indeed, the master plan had just fallen out of the now-discoing Snape's pocket right in front of Harry and his friends.

"Jenny, look!" Katie shouted.

"Oh, my god! A roll of parchment that says 'Master Plan'! Quick! Evasive maneuver 12!" Ron hurriedly leapt onto Snapevine's head and covered Snape's eyes. "Stand back, everyone! Please let this be an Arnold field trip!" Everyone scrambled out of the way as Snape stumbled, Ron still on his head, and ran head-on into a wall. He fell on the ground, and there was a giant hole in the wall where his head had been.

"Adios, me jote pelicano!" Jenny called, jumping through the hole.

"See you in the afterlife!" Katie said, jumping through after Jenny.

"Me, too!" Ron yelled, and ran to the hole. He was about to leap through the hole, but just then the Snapevine S.W.A.T. team slid down from the ceiling on ropes. They had badges that said 'Special (delivery) Weapons and Tactics' on them. They landed on Ron's head and stuffed him into a sack. He squirmed around on the ground.

"Hey, this bag's burlap! Not bad burlap, either! Nice paneling. Where do you guys gets these things? This is exquisite! It's possibly the best bag I've ever been stuffed into!"

As Ron ranted about the bag material, a member of the Snapevine S.W.A.T. team pulled out a handy-dandy avalanche in a can and threw it at the hole in the wall. It exploded, sending snow flying every which way, and blocking the exit.

"Ron!" screeched Jenny, "I'll never forget you!"

"Harry!" Katie wailed, "Oh, the humanity!" Then Katie and Jenny left.

"Who was that, Harry?" Ron asked from inside the bag. "Someone I should know about? Are you cheating on me?"

"Oh, shut up, Ron."

"You know, we never talk anymore."

"We aren't engaged!"

"That hurts my feelings, honey."

"Don't use that tone with me!"

"Harry, I'm sorry that your past relationships didn't work out. I'm sorry you could never get a date with Legolas, but you don't have to take it out on those closest to you."

"Legolas? Please, Ron, everyone knows Legolas is your dream boyfriend and has been since 4th grade!"

"Oh. That hurts, Harry. I'm starting to get the feeling that you don't love me anymore. Is there someone else?"

"WE ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED! You, if I do recall, are getting married to Jenny, though. Does any of that ring a bell?"

Ron was still for a minute, staring into space, then began to drool. "Hey, look!" Ron shouted, pointing to the master plan. He picked it up, read it, and whispered to Snape, "So. This is what you were planning all this time. And to think I almost married you!" He pointed accusingly at Snapevine.

"Let me see that!" Harry said, snatching the paper from Ron. It read:

MASTER PLAN 

Dillon's:

Yogurt

Milk

Bread

Cheese

Wal-Mart:

Bird seed

Toilet paper


	6. The Bee Bop Womp and Mr Bojangles Sr

Chapter 6: The bee-bop womp and dr. bojangles sr.

Harry, Ron and Hermione were speechless. "I don't believe it!" Hermione said in disbelief.

"I know!" said Ron. "You shop at Wal-Mart?"

"Exposed!" Snapevine cried out. "What will the other Snapevines say? What will I say? I, after all, am a Snapevine, too! Oh, no! I'll kill me if I find out! I can't let that happen to me! Oh, the humanity!"

"Let's leave while we still have the chance." Harry said quickly.

"But how will we get out?" Hermione asked.

"Well, how about that giant door with the neon sign that says 'EXIT'?" Harry offered.

They all went in, and appeared outside. Somehow Ron had managed to get into yet another sack.

"What is this? Nylon?"

Harry turned. In front of them stood Wipwop, Gollum, and the gnomie army. "Do you have any idea how long we've been waiting?" Wipwop asked, toe-tapping. Before Harry could reply, they heard a motor echoing down.

"Echo?" Ron said, his voice muffled in the bag.

They all stared up as a huge motorcycle plummeted down to them. On the bike was Hagrid, holding a picnic basket with Malfoy inside. When they hit the ground, Hagrid stepped off the motorcycle and said, "Yer a wizard, Harry."

Harry was flabbergasted, but bravely stood, unmoving. He blinked. "I'm a- what? No. You must have made a mistake. I'm not a- a wizard!"

Hagrid hesitated. "Uh, actually I was talking to Ron."

"I'm a wizard?!" Ron's head popped out of the bag.

"No lie!" Hagrid replied, "And, if you call now, you can get the set of all 3 episodes of The Shoe, complete with a free sock, for just $19.99!"

Harry looked overjoyed as he said to Hermione, "Hey, that's a great deal!"

Hermione stepped forward. "Uh, that's... great, Hagrid, but..."

"HEY!" Hagrid interrupted. "From now on, I shall be known as: The Bee-Bop Womp."

"Okay, er, Bee-Bop Womp, why are you carrying Malfoy in a picnic basket?"

Hagrid laughed. "Oh, this isn't Malfoy! This is my sandwich!" Hagrid looked at Malfoy, yelped, and flung the basket away in horror. "How DARE THEY!!!" He bellowed. "This isn't my low-calorie Club sandwich! Those fools at SUBWAY messed up my order AGAIN!" He yelled in fury.

Malfoy looked confused as he stepped out of the basket. "What happened? All I remember is being stuffed into a sandwich bag and now I'm in the middle of a forest about to join my arch-enemies on a quest to defeat The Grand Old Vole!"

"What!?" Harry shouted, "Who said you're joining us?"

"Why, he did!" Malfoy replied, pointing behind him to Neville, who was holding Senora Norris.

Neville looked confused. "Hey, don't drag me into this!"

Harry sighed. "Oh, well. Who am I to question the all-knowing powers of a boy with a cat? Okay, Malfoy, you're in!"

"Finally!" Malfoy cheered.

"Well, what about the Bee-Bop Womp? Is he coming too?" Hermione asked.

Harry grinned mischievously. "There's only one way to decide that!" Harry snapped his fingers. Nothing happened. Then Ron crawled out of the bag.

"No, no, Harry. Like this!" Ron clapped his hands twice. Suddenly, a long, red carpet unrolled next to them, from out of nowhere. Along with it came crowds of people, a camera facing Harry, Ron, and Hermione, and a microphone that appeared in Harry's hand.

Hermione looked confused. "How is this going to help at all?" she asked.

Completely ignoring her, Harry looked down the red carpet and gasped. "Look, everybody! It's none other than... Dumbledore!" Dumbledore walked up to them. "So, professor, if that _is_ your real name, how do you feel about being portrayed as a naked puppet on the Internet?"

Dumbledore began to speak, in 3 syllable phrases, it seemed. "Well, Harry, I find it, to be a, quite funny, cartoon. Also I, see Ron has, taken the, liberty, of opening, your, Chocolate Frogs!" Ron looked away in shame.

"Next!" Harry called impatiently, tapping his foot until the next person came. "Hey, and it's Scabbers!" He cheered. "So, tell us Scabbers, how does it feel to be a disgusting, ugly mole-person? It must be devastating!" The rat looked up at him curiously then ran off.

Harry's face saddened from the rejection, but soon brightened as Hedwig waddled toward him. She was wearing a blue T-shirt with writing on it. "Hey, Hedwig!" Harry called, "I see you're wearing clothes today. Good for you! What's it say?" Hedwig turned to show the words: _I am the devil. Do as I command._ "What a statement! So original!" Harry cried in amazement. Hedwig flew away, and Snapevine appeared.

"Hey, the old Snape!" Harry bellowed. "Hey, Snape! Over here! ... Hey, SNAPE! C'mon! Um, Snape, over here! Come over here! HEY! SNAPEVINE! I'M TALKING TO YOU!" Snapevine walked past, not bothering to glance in Harry's direction. "Boy, Snapevine's such a great sport!" He told the camera, just as Filch was coming toward them.

"Hey, look, folks! The star of the day! It's Filch! So, Filch, care to comment on your newest album?" Filch growled. "Hear that? So, there it is, folks. Check out his newest album, 'Poison', today! The hit song, also called 'Poison', is also on the Shrek 2 soundtrack, #9, and if you have the CD 'Poison', well, it's the only song on it." Filch scowled and slunk away, followed by Professor Lupin.

"Hey, Lupin/zombie!" Harry called. "Is it true that you are a zombie? You _did _look suspiciously dead in quite a few scenes of the 3rd movie. Care to comment?"

Lupin looked confused. "What?"

"All right, NEXT!" Harry shouted.

Lupin walked away quickly, and Dobby took his place. "So, here's the next person, or should I say, thing?" Harry said.

"Dobby's not just a _thing_!" Hermione protested.

"Well, he's not a human!"

"And he's not a thing, either!"

"Maybe he's a plant!" Ron interrupted.

Harry looked at Hermione, then shrugged. "Works for me. So, Mr. Plant..." But Dobby had already left. "Oh, well. That's everyone!" Harry announced, and clapped twice. The red carpet, crowds, microphone, and cameras disappeared. "So, Hermione, does that answer your question?"

Hermione looked very frustrated. "What?! How did that make any difference?! That didn't have ANYTHING to do with the Bee-Bop Womp!" she cried.

Harry looked confused. "Bee-Bop Womp? I thought you asked if Ron and I had the amazing power to transport absolutely random people and carpets to this exact spot with a clap of our hands!"

Hermione sighed and said, "Okay, Bee-Bop Womp, I guess you're in."

Malfoy looked heartbroken. "Well," he stated, "If he's going to be Bee-Bop Womp, then I'm going to be called Dr. Bojangles, Sr."

Ron looked perplexed. "Who's Dr. Bojangles, Jr.?"

Malfoy proudly held up a lunch bag. "This sandwich!"


	7. The Toothbrush clan

  
Chapter 7: THE toothbrush clan

After several weeks of not really doing anything that had to do with their quest, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Wipwop, Gollum, Dr. Bojangles Sr., Bee-Bop Womp, and the Gnomie army were completely lost. Even Wipwop and the gnomes had no idea where they were.

Harry groaned. "What are we going to do? We can't just keep wandering around forever!" he complained.

"Well, we don't really have a choice. It's not like anyone is out here." Hermione argued.

"Yeah!" Ron yelled at Harry "And maybe if _some_ people would just stop for directions, we wouldn't be _in_ this situation! That is _so_ like you, Harry! After all these years we've been together, you stillcan't admit that you're wrong!"

Harry looked desperate. "Well... well maybe Jenny and Katie knew their way around. If we could just find _them_..."

"But we don't know where they are!" Hermione whimpered.

"Well..." Harry's face suddenly brightened. "We could go to Getimimity, Kramerica! I heard Jenny say that they were the Presidents there!"

Hermione sighed. "Fine with me, but where would we find Getimimity, Kramerica?" Harry was silent, deep in thought.

"I know!" Malfoy cried, "Over there!" Everyone looked at the giant sign Malfoy was pointing to that read: GETIMIMITY, KRAMERICA. It sat over an elaborate archway with an arrow pointing down.

Harry shrugged. "Let's go in!" he announced. They all carefully stepped through the archway.

"Now what?" Ron mumbled. There was, in fact, nothing but trees surrounding them. But suddenly, in a flash of movement, hundreds of small lemurs began pouring out of the canopy around them. "We're being abducted!" Ron screeched, grabbing Malfoy by the collar of his shirt. "Why did you point at them?!"

Before any of them could move, however, the lemurs swarmed around each individual and hoisted them back up into the treetops. Harry was baffled as he looked at where his kidnappers were taking them. In front of them stood an amazing tree, towering over all the others in comparison. Even above the clamor of the lemurs, Harry could hear thousands more chattering at each other within the tree. As their captors scattered up the trunk and into the leafy canopy, Harry could feel millions of lemur eyes surveying them. Finally, they were taken into a large chamber and stuffed into separate buckets.

The crowd of lemurs then scurried out of the room, leaving them alone. Or so it seemed. Harry looked up to see a massive horse-shoe shaped table before them. On the outside edge were seated 7 people. They appeared to be humans with lemur masks on. One of them stood up and stepped toward them. She was tall, and her dark, frizzy hair sprang out of the sides of her mask. She didn't say anything, just twitched slightly and watched their prisoners.

"Um, hi?" Harry said hesitantly. The tall person walked over to Gollum, then looked at Harry.

"What is this thing?" She asked him. Harry shrugged. The masked stranger then picked up Gollum in his bucket, and tossed him out a window. "Now then. So, what are you doing here?"

"We're on a quest, but we're lost and need to find Katie and Jenny." Hermione replied from within her basket.

The person eyed her with distrust. "And what would _you_ want with the presidents of Getimimity?"

"They're helping us on our quest." Ron said. That comment stirred up some commotion within the other seated members. Harry only heard glimpses of their conversation, like: "Thought they were shopping...." "...out so long..." "...leave the Yankee Tank for all the work..." "...uh, mayonnaise..."

"And why should we believe _you_?" One of them asked.

Ron glanced from side to side, and then whispered into the tall person's ear: "The popcorn beckons us."

Suddenly a smile crossed her face. "Oh, why didn't you just say so? That changes everything."

Harry glanced at Ron. "The popcorn?" he questioned.

Ron shrugged. "I found some on the ground. I thought it was theirs."

"Anyway," said the person, "My name is Chloe. This is Kristen, Hannah, the other Hannah, Jing, Alyssa, and Katie, not to be confused with Katie. This is also Katie, but not the other Katie. She's Katie. But that's Katie, too. But not Katie. That's the other Katie by the name of Katie who's one of the Katies but isn't this Katie because this is this Katie and she isn't the other Katie as you can plainly see, and (gasp) echo. We make up the Yankee Tank Council. The Yankee Tank Council is Getimimity's Senate, House of Representatives, and any other government thing that I don't know the name of. In other words, we help the 2 presidents make the decisions around here."

"So... do you know where Katie and Jenny are now?" Harry asked.

Chloe shrugged. "We thought they were getting groceries." Harry was silent. He blinked once. Then twice. Suddenly a small lemur burst through the door, screeching frantically. Chloe gasped, and then her eyes narrowed.

"What is it?" Hermione asked.

"Flatface the Gangster Guy." Chloe muttered to herself. "She's back."

"Who's that?" Harry asked, but Chloe ignored him.

"We must warn the lemurs!" She cried. "Code Gangbusters! Code Gangbusters! Man your stations! Quick!" In a flash, the Yankee Tank members jumped to their feet, and ran out the door. Sirens began wailing in every part of the tree. Harry, Ron, and Hermione leaped from their buckets.

"What's happening?!" Hermione screamed over the cries of lemurs and sirens. Lemurs came flooding into the room, until Chloe slammed down a button on the wall. Immediately the wall disappeared, and in its place were hundreds of lemur-sized rockets. The lemurs swarmed into the rockets, and took off into the sky.

"Come on! HURRY! Catch that Flatface! GO! GO! GO!" Chloe yelled. When the rockets and lemurs had left the room, Chloe dashed out the door, screaming orders to spare lemurs. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were left alone in the room.

Finally the smaller Hannah burst into the room. "Don't just stand there! Call Gangbusters!" she yodeled at them, pulling out a cell phone. She sighed at the dumbfounded looks on their faces, and dialed the number herself. "Testing. Testing. Testing one. Testing two. TESTING. TESTING! TESTING! WAAHHH!!! STUBBA! STUBBA! HELP! HELP US STUBBA! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Then she hung up. "Wrong number." She dialed again and calmly muttered, "Can I get the Gangbusters over here?"

Just then, the door slammed open and a lemur ran in, out of breath. "Flatface! She's here!" He cried and jumped out a window.

"She's COMING! SHE'S COMING!!!!! FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!" Hannah shrieked, and jumped under the table. Then, Harry heard footsteps approaching, and nearby screams. He, Ron, and Hermione cowered in thy mercy, I mean, in the corner of the room, and Flatface appeared in the doorway. Harry was confused. Standing before them was the tiniest, most bug-eyed kitten Harry had ever seen. Her nose was positioned nearly above her eyes, giving the impression of a flat face.

"Aww," Hermione cried. "She's so cute!"

"Don't do it!" Hannah wailed from behind the table, "I know she looks innocent, but she's pure evil! She's a killer kitten, with her long, pointy, teeth!"

Suddenly, Katie and Jenny crashed through the ceiling wearing GANGBUSTER badges. When they saw Flatface, Jenny screamed with joy. "Brandy!" She cooed, scooping her up, "EEEH! You're just the sweetest little kitten!" Brandy purred in content.

Katie walked over to the wall and pressed a button. They could hear her voice over the intercom. "Flatface the Gangster Guy has been captured. Return to your posts." All of a sudden, the screaming and sirens ended instantly, and the Yankee Tank Council calmly filed into the room and sat back down.

"So, as we were saying..." Chloe said to Harry, Ron, and Hermione.


	8. You gotta believe in Fairies or I'll die

  
.  
Chapter 8: You Better Believe In Fairies, Or I'll Die!

"Uh... right." Harry said. "Oh, hi, Katie! Hi, Jenny! Where have you guys been?"

Katie and Jenny mumbled to each other. Harry could only catch phrases of their mumbling. "Thought we were shopping..." "...out so long..." "...left Yankee Tank for all the work..." "...uh, mayonnaise..."

"Yeah. Well, uh, we're kind of lost, and thought we could use your help. That is, if you're not too busy getting groceries." Hermione said.

Katie and Jenny began to whisper again, and then Jenny faced Hermione and said, "No, we're good."

"Well, let's go, then!" Ron cheered. "Oh, and by the way, Jenny, I love you. Will you marry me?"

"Why, but, Ron, 'Chi trova un amico, trova un tesoro.'"

Ron was puzzled. "Huh?"

"I'm sorry, was I speaking in Italian again? I meant to say, 'yes'!" Jenny replied. "Now, let's resume that quest. Uh, what was it, again?"

"To defeat the Grand Old Vole!" Wipwop announced.

"I'm sorry it has to be this way, Harry," Ron uttered, "but you never loved me for who I am. I had to move on. I had to make a new life. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me."

"Finally!" Harry sighed.

"...But on one condition," Ron stated, "You must promise never to get involved with that despicable Katie girl. She's no good. She's a bad seed. A horrible seed. One of the worst seeds I've ever seen. She's pure evil."

"What are you talking about, Ron? You've hardly even met her!"

"Oh. Then it's settled!" Ron said. "I'm getting married to Jenny!"

"All right, then. Let's go!" Hermione said. "Where's the exit?" she asked, looking around.

Chloe stood up. "Oh, it's right over here." She gestured toward a door.

Harry went over and opened the door. He was surprised to see straight outside the tree, a complete drop-off from where he stood. "We can't jump out there! We'll kill ourselves! It must be hundreds of feet down!" He shouted at Chloe.

"Nonsense!" Chloe laughed, and pushed everyone out the door.

As they fell, Ron screamed, "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die, that's it for me! I'll be a little greasy speck on the road! Oh, the humanity!"

"Don't panic!" Katie yelled back at Ron. "We'll be perfectly safe as long as we use our parachutes!"

"WHAT PARACHUTES!?!?!?!?" Harry bellowed, as Jenny and Katie released their parachutes.

"Didn't you bring any?" Jenny yelled over the wind. She quickly grabbed Ron's arm.

Harry looked horrified as he crashed through the roof of a nearby building, along with Hermione, Malfoy, Hagrid, Wipwop, and the gnomes. Jenny, Katie, and Ron floated safely to the ground. After Katie and Jenny took off the parachutes, Harry got up. He had no serious injuries, other than a growing feeling of dread. When he looked around, he realized that they were in a restaurant full of monkeys. In the corner was a band playing a Mexican song by a furry dark brown monkey with a Hatesohl. None of the monkeys at the tables seemed to notice their unexpected visitors.

A monkey with frizzy fur and who was about 2 feet tall walked over to Harry. "Hi!" he cheered. "Would you like a table?"

"Uh... okay..." Harry said. "Um, how come none of them noticed us falling through the roof?" he pointed to the other monkeys.

"Oh, they're used to it by now. We have a lot of customers come in that way. It's almost like there's a giant civilization of lemurs pushing people out a door to fall to their doom right outside there. Pretty ridiculous, isn't it?" He laughed. "But seriously, the damage really adds up in the end. Now, if you'll follow me, I will seat you immediately."

They all followed as the small monkey led them to their table, near the stage. The monkey then began to hand out menus and said, "Hello. My name is the Enchilada Monkey, and I'll be your waiter today. Our special today is a spicy sludge pudding grilled to perfection and marinated in jalapeno sauce, then topped with barnacle loaf. If there's anything you need, please hesitate to ask." He announced.

Malfoy hesitated. "Who's the band that's playing now?" he asked.

"Why, that's the Mashed Potatoes! The lead singer, A Potato, had to be replaced due to a serious accident involving a human trying to eat him. Poor old bug. Anyway, now the lead singer is our very own Burrito Monkey. It's just grand, if I do say so myself." He looked at the gnomie army. "I'm sorry. Gnomes aren't allowed at the tables. You'll have to wait outside. Wipwop, you can stay."

The gnomie army trudged away. Harry looked around him. "There sure are a lot of monkeys here. Are they... all named after Mexican foods?"

The Enchilada Monkey laughed. "But of course!" He began pointing to random monkeys. "There's the Fajita Monkey, Taco Monkey, Gordita Monkey, Nacho Monkey, Jalapeno Monkey, Tortilla Monkey, Tostada Monkey, Salsa Monkey, Quesadilla Monkey, Guacamole Monkey, etc., etc. Yep. Any monkey that hangs out here is a Mexican food Monkey. Can I get anything else for you?" They shook their heads, and the Enchilada Monkey left.

Harry opened his menu. "What're you getting, Katie?"

Katie sighed. "I think I'll get the Choco-Covered Algae Bits. What about you?"

Hermione cocked her head to the side. "Do you... hear something?" She asked.

Suddenly, they heard screaming coming from above them, getting louder and closer to the restaurant. Just then, an object plummeted through the roof and onto their table, leaving a trail of smoke. When the thick haze cleared, they could see Gollum in his bucket.

"Wheee!" Gollum cheered. "Let's go again! Let's go again!" As he sat there, babbling more about coconuts and dental floss, the Enchilada Monkey returned with a large plate of food. When he spotted Gollum on the table, he gasped.

"Shocking! Like, what zoinky labels, man! Begone with you, pesterer from where I don't know!" And with that, he served the plate of food to them, and used the empty plate to smack Gollum in the back of the head. He then shot back up through the hole he had just entered, leaving a trail of smoke up through the roof.

"I know how that feels!" Ron muttered to himself. "Hey, wait a minute; this food is Choco-covered! I can't eat this! C'mon, Harry. We're leaving!" Ron stood up.

Harry sighed and muttered, "_Ron, do you _have_ to do this every Friday?_"

"I can't eat this!" Ron cried in fury.

The Enchilada Monkey looked impatient. "So, if you're leaving, how will you pay? Cash, check, or sneak out the back?" He pointed to a door.

"We'll sneak out." Jenny replied.

"Popular choice." The Enchilada monkey responded, and then left.

"All right, fine!" Harry shouted at Ron. "I'm not eating with you anyway!"

They all headed outside. They could see that night was starting to come, and the sky was darkening. Katie yawned. Then, Jenny yawned. Ron began to yawn. Seeing them, Harry yawned. Hermione started yawning. Hagrid yawned. Malfoy began yawning. Wipwop followed, with a small yawn. One by one, the gnomes began to yawn. Harry yawned. Hermione began to yawn. Finally, they stopped.

"Anyway," Jenny said, "We need some sleep. Is the Snapevine Lodge still there?"

"Are you crazy?" Harry cried, "We can't go back there!"

"Well, where else can we go?" Katie said. As if in answer to her question, band music began to play loudly, behind them. They whipped around to see a marching band, led by Mr. Hunt. The tubas were in the back, riding on skateboards. They were bobbin', and weavin', and struttin' their stuff, and talkin' trash. (Quite hard to do while playing a tuba, so they wrote trash by typing on laptops with their toes.) "Who are they?" Katie whispered to Harry. Harry shrugged. As the band marched through the clearing, they heard a familiar noise.

"Oh, no." Jenny sighed, as Gollum plummeted from the sky, screaming, toward the band.

The band began to panic, until Mr. Hunt bellowed, "STAND YOUR GROUND! STAY IN A LINE! DIE WITH PRIDE!" Still, the band members scattered, leaving Mr. Hunt alone, directly in Gollum's path. "COME ON, BAND! NOBODY LIVES FOREVER!" He yelled. Finally, at the last second, Mr. Hunt dove to the side, Madam Hooch style, to make way for the falling bucket.

Gollum crashed to the ground. Then, the restaurant door opened, and the Enchilada Monkey stuck his head out. "YOU AGAIN!?" He called, running over and slamming Gollum again with the tray, sending him into the sky. Then the Enchilada Monkey ran back inside and shut the door.

Mr. Hunt stood up, wiping the dirt off his shirt. "Good thing we stood our ground." He remarked.

As Harry, Ron, Hermione, Hagrid, Malfoy, Wipwop, and the gnomes stared at the strange band in horror; Katie tugged on Jenny's sleeve. Quietly, they snuck over behind the restaurant. "Don't you see what's going on here?" Katie whispered to Jenny.

"Um, Mr. Hunt and his band are randomly marching around in a forest?" Jenny guessed.

Katie shrugged. "Besides that."

Jenny shook her head.

Katie leaned in closer. "They're trying to find _us _so they can make us join their band!"

"Why us?"

"_Because!_ He's trying to enlist as many band members as possible to be an army of slaves that will help him defeat the Grand Old Vole!" Jenny gasped in horror. "And we can't let that happen!"

"Why not?"

"Because then, Mr. Hunt would rule the world, and he would be an evil dictator who would force everyone to practice their instruments!"

"That's HORRIBLE!" cried Jenny, "But, how do _you_ know all this?"

"Oh, I have my sources." Katie replied mischievously.

"Right! So, how do we stop him?"

Katie shrugged. "I thought _you_ would know."

Jenny thought for a moment, and then a devilish grin crossed her face. She began to cackle fiendishly. "I have an evil deal." She whispered.


	9. TATTARA TATARATARA Tataratatara

.  
CHAPTER 9: TATTARA TATARA-TARA Tatara-tatara 

"So... can I hear it? What do we do?" Katie questioned.

Jenny reached into her pocket. "Why don't we ask... the magic conch?" She said, pulling out a plastic shell. "Oh, magic conch shell, what can we do to escape Mr. Hunt and the evil tuba players, and defeat The Old Vole before him?"

The conch paused, then answered, "Nothing."

"ALL RIGHT!" Jenny cried, and they both sat on the ground with silly expressions on their faces.

A few moments later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione came by. "What are you doing?" Harry asked Katie.

Katie quickly leaped to her feet and slammed her hand over his mouth. "SHHHHH!!!!" She screamed, "WE NEED TO BE QUIET OR ELSE MR. HUNT AND THE EVIL TUBA PLAYERS WILL FORCE US TO JOIN THEIR BAND AND DEFEAT THE GRAND OLD VOLE! THEN MR. HUNT WILL BE AN EVIL DICTATOR! THE ONLY WAY TO STOP HIM IS TO DO NOTHING LIKE THE CONCH SAID!" And Katie resumed her orders.

"All right!" Ron cried, and sat next to Jenny.

"What?" Harry demanded, "Okay, I guess I'll believe that he's trying to defeat Voldemort. His band does look a little weird. But I don't think that sitting on the ground is going to help us at all! Why can't we just leave?"

Jenny stood up. "Works for me! Let's go!"

"Nib foe eyesore MoPed erase" Hagrid said, sneaking up behind them. "Oh, sorry, was I speaking gibberish again? I meant to say, let's go!"

"Where did you come from?" Jenny asked.

"Oh, I was here the whole time, and frankly Jenny, I don't care for your attitude!"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Jenny asked. Harry saw a mad glint in her eye.

"Well, the way I see it is there are 3 possibilities. 1) You stole me dime, 2) you stole me dime, or 3), YOU STOLE ME DIME!"

"WHAT DIME?!" Jenny yelled.

"The one I left sitting on the counter this morning, that you ate, and I bought from pirates for twenty-five bucks- that dime!"

"You wanna settle this right here, right now?"

"Bring it on, little girl!" Hagrid growled maliciously.

"Oh, puh-leeze! I could drop you like a bag of dirt!"

"YOU wanna PIECE of ME? You WANNA piece OF me? You got it!!!" And Hagrid leaped up into the air over Jenny. Jenny stepped to the side and Hagrid did a belly-flop onto the ground. "I bet you're not dangerous at all, you great ugly brute!" said Hagrid.

"That's it!" Jenny screeched, and grabbed Hagrid by the beard. She swung him around and around. As she did, Senora Norris, Neville, Buckbeak, buttered toast, Malfoy, his sandwich, a picnic basket, an apartment complex and a herd of rabbits fell out of his beard. The rabbits hopped around, spotted Hagrid, and then attacked Ron and stuffed him into a bag. As they did this, Jenny was twirling Hagrid around, faster and faster, until finally let go. Hagrid went sailing up into the air, and then landed back down on the dirt with a massive THUD. The ground shook. Harry and Hermione fell to the ground. Ron continued to squirm around. Katie and Jenny sprinted over to Hatred, who now lay twitching on the ground, and they both jumped onto his stomach as if he were a giant, hairy trampoline. They bounced up and down on his stomach, and Jenny said, "Come on, guys! Join us!"

Ron popped out of the bag, ran over, and jumped onto Hagrid's stomach to join them. "Oh, man!" he sobbed, "I've wanted to do this all year!" He jumped back off, ran back to Harry and Hermione, scooped them up, and tossed them onto Hagrid's large stomach. He jumped after them, screaming.

Suddenly they saw Gollum falling from the sky. "I'll take care of this!" Jenny bellowed, grabbing Hairdo's beard, spinning him around again. When Gollum came crashing down, he collided with Hairdo and was sent rocketing back. Jenny then let go of Hagrid and he shot after Gollum, never to be seen again.

"Looks like Team Hairdo's blasting off again!" he bellowed.

"Now then, where were we?" Jenny said. "Oh, right!" She then took Ron, stuffed him back into the sack, and then jumped in as well.

"It's romance in a bag!" Katie announced. "I'm so jealous!" She looked slowly over at Harry, a glint in her eye. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

Harry could feel his cheeks turn red. "Why, most definitely..." He loosened his tie.

"All right!" Katie cheered. "Let's go shopping!"

"What?!" Harry yelped.

"C'mon, if we hurry, we can get to the mall before the Gap closes!" And she ran off, with Harry in tow.

Just then, Jenny and Ron popped their heads out of the bag. "Okay, the coast is clear!" Jenny whispered. "Now let's _skee_-daddle before they notice we stole the remote!" They scrambled out of the bag, and only went a few steps before Hermione stepped into their path.

"Just where do you think you're going?" Hermione asked them, her toe tapping.

Jenny and Ron began to mutter to each other quietly. "Thought they were shopping...out so long...left Yankee Tank to all the work...uh, mayonnaise..."

"Well? I'm waiting!" Hermione impatiently tisked.

"We were just, uh... uh..." Jenny faltered.

"We were building a moat!" Ron cut in.

"Really?" Hermione asked. "Well, I for one applaud your responsible behavior and would like only to ask you one more thing- What the heck are you doing building a moat in the middle of a forest?"

"Hadn't counted on that," Ron muttered to Jenny.

"Well," Hermione continued. "I'm going to bed, before either of you think up another clever way to get us killed. Or worse, expelled." She then walked off, pulled a sleeping bag out of her pocket, and went to sleep.

"Hmmm... interesting side effects." Jenny stated.

"Side effects, eh what?" Ron commented.

"Side effects to the medicine I committed."

"What medicine, my precious?" Ron queried.

"Why, it's when you impale a German toadstool in the Saharan desert with a Hungarian antelope fryer while typing trash on a laptop and your tuba-playing friend actually lives in his tuba in Bosnia but he decided to vacation with you for a while because he was livin' the life, but then he tripped on his own foot in the kitchen while wearing a giant burlap cloak and doing his very best Snapevine impression, but it just wasn't quite good enough-" Jenny paused for a breath. "And so then he took-"

"Stop!" Ron cut in. "I don't want you to die on me, Jenny! We've been through too much! Jenny, can you hear me? Jenny? JENNY! AAAUUGHHH! Oh, The Humanity! ...Oh, wait. Sorry. Wrong number."

Suddenly Katie and Harry returned, with a giant bag in Harry's arms. "Hey, Jenny! Look what Harry and I got!" Katie screamed. She tossed the bag at Ron and Jenny, and Dobby sprung out.

Ron leaped to his feet, pointing accusingly at Dobby. "HOW DARE YOU LEAP OUT OF A BAG AT ME! DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT THAT'S ALMOST AS BAD AS POINTING AT SOMEONE!?" he bellowed.

"That's it! I challenge you to a walk-off!" Dobby accused, pointing accusingly at Ron.

"Eek!" Ron yelped, "HOW DARE YOU POINT AT ME! That's it! I accept!"

"No, Ron, don't do it! It's too risky! Who knows what can happen in a walk-off with Dobby!" Jenny pleaded, clutching to Ron's shoe.

"Oh, I'm doing it, all right. And I'm going to win." Jenny looked at Ron, and saw that it was hopeless... he was getting that conniving look in his eye again.

"It's a walk-off!" she shouted for everyone to hear. ".... It's a walk-off."

"Let's do this..." Ron stated, determined. He and Dobby looked each other in the eye, and started to twitch randomly.

"Do you have to do this every Friday night, Ron?" Harry asked, exasperated.

"Oh, I'm doing this, all right, Harry. I'm doing this. It's on." Ron said, still staring at Dobby, and with Dobby still staring back. Ron clapped his hands. Suddenly, a crowd of people came out of nowhere, along with a rectangular platform. Dobby hopped onto the platform and started discoing. "You can't beat me at disco- I had lessons from Dr. Snape, professor of love!" Ron said mechanically. He too, started to disco.

"RON! RON! RON! RON! RON!" Jenny, Katie, Harry and Hermione chanted. Ron spun around the dance floor, Snapevine style, and the crowds went wild. Ron turned to bow to the crowd, but as he did Dobby karate-kicked him off the platform. Ron was quite peeved, and bounded back to the stage.

"That's it, Dobby, you're GOING DOWN!" Ron bellowed, springing over to him. He took a flying leap, landing on Dobby's head. Dobby smashed into the floor.

"Bring it on!" Dobby challenged. He leaped into the air, did a mid-air somersault, and landed a few feet from his opponent. "Got to work on my landing," He muttered, just as Ron smashed a club into his head.

"Darn!" Dobby spoke, "I should have seen that coming. But Ron will not expect my super-powerful, high-speed, turbo-hyperbole LASER VISION! BWA-Ha-ha-ha! Bwa-ha-ha-ha! BWA-erp."

"Why not?" Ron asked, "You just told me what to expect."

"Aye, but I wonder! And another thing. The unexpected are always less expected than the things we've been expecting to be unexceptionally expected, that is, unless you have MSN Internet service."

"Oh, but now _I_ am unexacting the unexpectant expectancies, although the expectancy of an unexpected Laser Vision is now quite expectant excepticide."

"What was that?" Dobby asked. "You lost me after 'oh'."

Harry sighed. "Dobby, you give me no choice." Then Harry pulled a rocket launcher from his pocket and shot a rocket straight at Dobby. When the rocket was about to hit Dobby, Dobby moved to the side, causing Harry to miss him.

Suddenly, Hagrid flew down from the canopy onto Dobby, squashing him. Sad music began to play in the background. Hagrid took a look around and said quietly, "Hard luck, Harry. Try again."

"NO! YOU KILLED MY FATHER!"

"No, Harry. I AM YOUR FATHER!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Harry replied, and shot a rocket at Hagrid. Hagrid got up, just at the wrong time. The rocket hit him, and he exploded. The sad music continued. Harry looked over to see Ron playing a violin. "Stop that, you doofus! I'm trying to shoot Bee-Bop Womp, here!"

"But that's my job!" Ron replied, hurling the violin into the trees. "Besides, you already shot him." He pointed forlornly at where Hagrid had stood. All that remained was Hagrid's umbrella.

"Oh, my God!" Harry yelped.

"I know!" Ron said, "That can mean only one thing- somewhere out there, there's a Bee-Bop Womp running around without an umbrella."

"I killed Bee-Bop Womp!" Harry cried. "Father..."

"Eh?" Ron asked. "OH MY GOD!"

"What?" Harry asked, panicky.

"Bee-Bop Womp is dead! MURDERER! GET HIM!" And with that, he charged after Harry, disco suit and all, with Jenny and Hermione on his heels. But Katie leaped in front of Ron, between him and Harry, and held out her arms to separate them. Harry cowered on the floor.

"Good people, what are you doing? Do not waste this senseless violence on the innocent! The slaying of the once-proud Bee-Bop Womp was necessary and essential to the survival of all mankind! And Ron, you were going to kill him anyway- Harry just assumed his duty as your friend and lightened your load by killing him for you. Do you not understand? Harry did no wrong in killing Bee-Bop Womp. It was done for the best, and with the best of intentions. What's done is done, and Harry did the right thing in doing it. Bee-Bop Womp was evil; an evil beast set on the destruction of the universe and all that is bright and beautiful on this glorious Earth. It would have been a sin and a shame not to kill him. He was asking for it. And not only was he asking for it, he deserved it as well. And Harry deserved to kill him. Harry owed it to himself to destroy that murderous son-of-a-gun and right what had been wronged. Harry has done no evil deed. The evil doer is Bee-Bop Womp, who has now been sacrificed to the greater good. Now I think you should all apologize to Harry and then let's resume our quest. What do you say- shall we?"

"GET HIM!" Jenny cried, pulling out a rocket launcher.

"Good people, what are you doing? Do not waste this senseless violence on the innocent! The slaying of the once-proud Bee-Bop Womp was necessary and essential to the survival of all mankind! And Ron, you were going to kill him anyway- Harry just assumed his duty as your friend and lightened your load by killing him for you. Do you not understand? Harry did no wrong in killing Bee-Bop Womp. It was done for the best, and with the best of intentions. What's done is done, and Harry did the right thing in doing it. Bee-Bop Womp was evil, an evil beast set on the destruction of the universe and all that is bright and beautiful on this glorious Earth. It would have been a sin and a shame not to kill him. He was asking for it. And not only was he asking for it, he deserved it as well. And Harry deserved to kill him. Harry owed it to himself to destroy that murderous son-of-a-gun and right what had been wronged. Harry has done no evil deed. The evil doer is Bee-Bop Womp, who has now been sacrificed to the greater good. Now I think you should all apologize to Harry and then let's resume our quest. What do you say- shall we?"

"Well, the first time it just seemed like gibberish, but now I _really_ feel that Katie has a point." Jenny stated, putting the rocket launcher down. "Then again, who is she to decide if Bee-Bop Womp was meant to go? In fact, Katie, you've hardly even met Bee-Bop Womp until Harry heartlessly shot him with a rocket! Who are you to say that Bee-Bop Womp was pure evil? Who are you to say that he would have destroyed mankind if he had lived? Who are you to tell us that Harry was right in demolishing that disgusting creature? Well, I'm taking a stand against that bloodthirsty killer! I'm not going to support him in his quest to destroy every extremely old, but still valuable senior citizen until the world until nothing is left but him and those who are too afraid to take a stand! Something must be done! So, who's with me?"

"I AM!" shouted Ron, bumping Katie out of the way and slamming a jack-hammer into Harry's head. "The deed is done!" he said, clapping, as the crowds disappeared.

"So, where were we?" Jenny asked.

Although Harry's head had been smashed in by a jackhammer, he suffered no serious harm, other than a growing feeling of dread. After much deliberation, the gang decided that it was for the best that Harry had blown up Hagrid, although Ron was seriously considering not speaking to him.


	10. Heninah, HENINAH

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Chapter Q: Heninah, HENINAH!

(I'm sorry. This chapter is not actually Chapter Q. It is Chapter 10. As we all know, chapters are numbered, not lettered. If chapters were lettered, life would be anarchy and Old King Cole was a merry Old Vole, but I digress. Back to the story.)

"So, where were we?" Jenny demanded.

"Well," Harry began, "We've been traveling for about a month now in a deserted forest that actually isn't that deserted without really doing anything, then we met Wipwop, who forcefully made us accept their gnome army, then Gollum came along, then you two did and so, we arranged our marriages, then we went to Snapevine Lodge where a demented professor tried to hold us as hostages and disco at us, then we left and met the Bee-Bop Womp and Dr. Bojangles Sr., then we met the lemurs at Getimimity and were tossed out a window into a herd of Mexican Food Monkeys, then the insano band came and we ran for our lives. Then, Katie purchased Dobby at the Gap and Ron and Dobby were in a walkoff but Dobby was crushed when the Bee-Bop Womp fell from the sky and I shot him and now...." He took a breath.

Ron gasped. "Look!" He screeched, pointing past Harry. They all turned to see a theater. It towered over them menacingly, with a short line of people filing in.

Jenny gasped too. "Let's go in!" she shouted. As they went in, they could see a sign that read: 'Pokemon 56'. They entered the room and took their seats.

"Aren't we supposed to get tickets?" Ron asked Jenny.

Jenny looked uneasy. "Um... maybe..."

The theater hushed as the previews began. They watched intently as the words 'Alien vs. Predator' showed up on the screen. A booming voice seemed to come from nowhere. "Alien vs. Predator... What side are you on?" A picture of an Alien appeared on the screen and began to speak.

"I am Alien, and I approve this message... When you think of terror, what do you think of- a horrifying, blood-curdling, gut-wrenchingly fearsome alien monster that can strike fear into the hearts of even the bravest? Or a dull, lethargic Ghostbusters wannabe who can't even come up with an original costume? Vote No on Predator- I'm the real deal. Predator is so over-rated, nothing but a lot of talk. They think they're so great with their fancy bowties and such. Well, you're NOT, Predator! YOU'RE NOT! You're just the average Joe!" he screamed into the camera, then left the screen.

Then, a picture of Predator appeared. It looked uneasy. "Uh, umm..." it stammered, then ran off of the screen.

The booming voice came back. "So, make your choice, now. Alien, or Predator." Suddenly, stands rose from the ground in front of every chair. Each contained 2 buttons. One was labeled: 'Alien', and the other: 'Predator'.

"Who are you voting for, Harry?" Katie whispered.

"I dunno... Alien, I guess." At that, Katie began to shake with fury, and then stood up in her seat.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?" she bellowed, "AFRAID TO LOOK UGLINESS IN THE FACE!?" She then picked up Harry and screamed, "WELL, HERE! LOOK AT IT! IT'S UGLY, ISN'T IT!? YOU LOOK AT IT! YOU LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! I WANT ALL OF YOU TO LOOK AT IT!!!"

Soon, everyone ran from the theater, screaming in terror. "You think I'm ugly?!" Harry yelled at her.

Katie looked at him, gasped, and threw him to the side. "What are you doing here?! I thought you were Malfoy in this light. Oh, well, the best seats are open!" She sat back down, as the movie began.

On the screen it said 'POKEMON 56: THE MOVIE'.

The first scene appeared on the screen. Ash was sitting in a tub of lard, staring blankly at a wall and talking to himself. "Ooagh. I need to reflect upon my inner self if I ever hope to win that solid fiberglass trophy from Gary!" he muttered.

"Gary the snail?" he asked himself.

"No! Gary my archenemy, you idiot!" he countered.

"You mean Gary the snail."

"Whatever. First we just need to concentrate on getting out of this tub of lard. Okay, I have a plan. We need a sack of poker chips, a baker's dozen brightly colored markers, and a highly flammable yardstick."

"Not to mention a foot."

"Right. So when I say the word, you... wait what?"

"You know, you really should work on your anger issues."

"True. But you really need to learn on managing your insurance money. You should consider State Farm. I'm not sure what they do, but man- watch their commercials. They are _there_."

"Hmmm... Maybe, but what's your opinion on 'Scooge on Ice Featuring Saturday Night Scoogel'?"

"Well, I think it was a little repetitive. I mean, it was just grand, but you get kinda bored after the 8th rendition of the Muffin Man Song. Especially sung by Snapevine. Honestly, he is not meant for the stage. I much prefer Wipwop and Wipwette's Tango Spectacular."

"F is for friends who do stuff together! U is for you and me! N is for... Oh, sorry. What?"

"All right then. Anyway, when I say the word, you scramble for the exit while I deviously flounder in guilt. Ready? One... two... three... GO!"

Then Ash began snoring loudly.

The next scene appeared. Ash and Pikachu were hang-gliding above a city. "Boy, Pikachu." He said. "It sure was hard to get out of that tub of lard. Do you know how hard lard is to get out of?"

"Pikachu!" Pikachu responded.

"What!? I am not bragging. Why do you say that?"

"Pika- Pika."

"I always do?! Pikachu, I'm getting the feeling that you don't love me anymore."

"Pika. Pikachu!"

"Well, my first clue was that you told me that I brag too much."

"Pika."

"Oh, that was meant to be sarcastic? Well, good thing you still love me, then."

"Pika."

"You don't? Oh, that was probably sarcastic, too."

"Pikachu, Pika."

"Oh, it wasn't?"

"Pika."

"You hate me and always did?! That's it!" Ash cried, and pushed Pikachu off the hang-glider. But Pikachu grabbed the edge, swung back on, and electrocuted Ash, who fell off into the city. Then Pikachu hang-glided away.

After falling for a few hours, Ash crashed into the back seat of a hot pink convertible. In the driver's seat was a man dressed in completely black, with a black cape and dark sunglasses. In the passenger seat was a Pizza delivery boy with one eyebrow. The man in black turned to see him and asked, "Good evening, sir. Would you happen to be a mister Patrick Star?"

"Uh... no..." Ash replied.

"Excellent. We've been waiting for you. We have a special job for someone with your exact eye color, hat size, and extremely low intelligence level. Are you in?"

"Absolutely!" Ash yelled, leaping to his feet.

The man leaned in closer. "BUT! Under one condition. You must never speak a word of this to THAT pizza delivery boy." He yelled, pointing to the Pizza guy. "This is a top secret mission that you must do alone, only alone, and with no one else. You can bring along someone else, but they can't come with you. You need to do this alone, and just with you, yourself, and you. If I could come along, I wouldn't, because you have to do this alone. You can't go with anyone, and no one can go with you. It's just you. If anyone goes with you, they won't, because you have to go with no one. You cannot. If you do, you won't, 'cuz you can't. Got it?" he accused. Ash nodded willingly. "Good. So, go purchase your mission." He said, pointing to a store labeled: THE MISSION STORE.

"All right!" Ash cried, "Can I bring Pikachu?"

"Sure!" The guy replied. As Ash ran into the store, he sighed. "Finally! It took forever to get rid of that one." He said to the Pizza delivery boy, then turned to look at him. "OH, MY GOSH! Who are you!?" He cried.

Outside of the movie, Ron stood up. "I can't take this anymore!" He shouted. "This movie is complete nonsense! There is no non-random clip in the whole thing! This is stupidity! C'mon, Jenny, we're leaving." He said.

"Ron, do you have to do this every Monday?" Jenny muttered, but, even so, they all left.


	11. Doth thou like random?

.

Chapter 11: Doth thou like random?

When they went outside, it seemed very bright. They all stood for a few minutes, until out of nowhere, they heard screaming. It began to get louder and louder, until a yellow comb fell from the sky and landed at their feet. "What is that?" Katie asked.

Jenny screamed. "GASP! It must be an alien! FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!" She gurgled.

Just then, they heard a distant voice shrieking at them. "WAIT! I SAW IT FIRST!!!!!!!!" Suddenly, the little Hannah burst out of the bushes, and walked over to the comb. She then picked it up, brushed her hair, and left, with the comb in her pocket.

As they all watched her go, Jenny stated, "Hmm. That comb can only mean one thing."

"What is that?" Harry said.

"HEDWIG!" Ron wailed. "SHE'S HERE!"

And sure enough, The Whimsical Wig swooped down from above, with Alex and Shae in her claws. With a SPLAT she crashed right into Ron, who, caught completely off guard, stuffed himself into a bag and wiggled away. Hedwig, on the other hand, landed softly on the ground, completely unscathed.

"Did someone order a spatula?" The Whimsical Wig stated.

Harry looked confused. "A spatula?"

"Indeed." The Whimsical Wig replied. "Speaking of which, I'm hungry. Do you have anything to eat?"

"What about that place?" questioned Jenny, pointing to a sandwich deli.

"Wait a minute!" interrupted Harry. "I'm sorry, but an owl and two complete strangers came hurtling out of the sky in pursuit of a comb, and demanding food. I'm not just going to go get something to eat until someone tells me what's going on!"

"Well," Jenny began, "an owl and two complete strangers just came hurtling out of the sky in pursuit of a comb, and demanding food."

"Oh." Harry replied. "Well, in that case, let's go!" They all entered the sandwich shop.

As they went up to the counter, standing in front of them was one of the employees. Harry would have screamed but he couldn't make a sound. Where there should have been a back to Quirrel's head, there was a face, a terrible face. It was chalk white, with slivers for nostrils, like a snake. His red eyes, whose pupils were slits, like a cat's, gleamed still more brightly in the darkness. His hands were like large, pale spiders. The person was wearing a nametag that stated:

**HELLO**

**MY NAME IS**

Lord Voldemort

Lord Voldemort sighed and looked at them. "Hello. Welcome to Subway. May I take your order?" He groaned.

Harry looked at him suspiciously. "Do I know you?"

Lord Voldemort looked confused. "Uh... yeah... We've only met like, 6 times in battle against each other."

Harry scratched his chin. "Hmmm... I just can't put my finger on it. Were you in Chess Club in 1999?"

"No..."

"Band Camp?"

"No!"

"The Llama Love Society?"

"You idiot! Can't you recognize me?!"

"Sorry, you're gonna have to give me more to work with. I'm not getting anything."

Lord Voldemort threw up his hands in frustration. "How can you not recognize me?! I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!" TOM MARVELO RIDDLE!! THAT MAKES I AM LORD VOLDEMORT!!! IS THAT RINGING ANY BELLS, YOU FOOL?!!!

"I'm SORRY! My mind's drawing a blank!"

Lord Voldemort sighed. "Okay, just forget it. Are you gonna order something or not?"

"Actually, I think I'll remember you better if we all just leave. Let's go, guys!" Harry blubbered, and they left the restaurant. "Seriously, who was that guy?"


	12. Who Ya Gonna call? Gangbusters!

.

Chapter 12: Who yA GONna call? Gangbusters!

"So... who are you?" Harry asked Alex and Shae.

Jenny leaned over to him and whispered, "Don't talk to it, Harry. Don't encourage it!"

But, without warning, Alex and Shae jumped to their feet. They picked up a few sticks and tossed them at Harry. One hit him in the head. "Ow!" he cried, "What's their problem?!"

"I guess they just don't like you." Hermione stated.

Alex and Shae continued throwing things at Harry, mostly missing him. Alex picked up a rock and chucked it at him, narrowly avoiding his ear. Shae picked up a log and threw it over Harry's head. Then, Alex picked up a working chainsaw and flung it toward Harry. Harry yelped and jumped to the side. "What are they DOING!?" He shouted, dodging the items.

"I'll take care of this!" Katie shouted. She pulled out a handy-dandy tin can, walked over to Alex and Shae, picked them up, and stuffed them inside. Finally the objects stopped flying.

"Huzzah!" Jenny cried. "It's canned friends! I've always wanted one of those." She said, and stuffed them in her pocket.

"Now, then." Harry said, panting, "Where's The Whimsical Wig?"

Soon enough, The Whimsical Wig glided down from the canopy. As she did, the Harry Potter theme music started to play in the background. Ron hopped out of the bag and did a jig to the music. Everyone stared at him. He stopped, heartbroken.

"It's a good jig... or, at least, it was a good jig. But who is to say that it is in fact a good jig if I have not gotten the chance to show the world that it is a good jig? Then, the world can vote on if it is a good jig or not! Ha Ha! I'll show you! I'll show them all! Ha HA!" and Ron did another brief jig and stuffed himself into a bag.

Hermione gave him a look. "Anyway..." but before she had a chance to say anything of relative importance, the Whimsical Wig interrupted her.

"Ahem."

Ron hopped back out of the bag. "The Wig speaketh! SILENCE, MORTALS!"

"Thank you." stated the Whimsical Wig. "Now, bow down before me, all ye fools. For I am the grand Whimsical Wig, grandest in all the lands! And I have come bearing a message for you. You are all in grave peril. A wicked beast is coming for you. This beast is terrifying beyond all reason. It is evil's evil twin, making it even more evil, but not quite as good-looking. Which means it is gruesome's ugly cousin, and Auntie's favorite nephew. An EVIL nephew! So listen well. You must climb to the highest room in the tallest tower on the largest mountain and seek refuge there by midnight tonight, or you will have no protection from The Horrible Spooky Thing. Be there or be square. This Wig will now self-destruct." And with that, the Whimsical Wig exploded, leaving behind only a single white plume.

"Hedwig! NOOOO!!!!!" Harry cried. "My favorite Wig! Don't die! I love you!"

"You what?" Katie asked, irritated.

"Um... I like you just as a friend, Hedwig! Don't die!" Harry cried, picking up the feather and cradling it in his arms.

"What's he doing?" Jenny declared to Ron.

"Only the Claw knows..." Ron responded solemnly. Jenny was baffled.

Katie stepped forward. "Well, you heard the wig! Let's go find that tallest tower! Now... where to look..."

"How about there?!" Wipwop gargled, pointing to a massive castle.

"Hey, isn't that Hogwarts?" Harry questioned, tossing the feather aside.

"Fantastic! Let's go in!" Hermione cried, "I can't wait to go learn some more useless things at a castle that's closed anyway since it's summer holiday!"

So, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Jenny, Katie, canned friends, Wipwop, and the gnome army piled into the canoes to cross the lake. When they reached the other side, Hogwarts yawned, yawned, and more, yawned. One clump and more, spots. I had four biscuits, and I ate one. Then I only had three! Doughnut, doughnut, doughnut. "Biscuits... mmm..." boomed the Grand Old Voice over the intercom. Uh... intercom. Taco John's. A whole lotta Mexican going on! Going on at Taco John's! Thank you, daddy! Punish! Shame! Scold! Kanker sisterios are a complete part of any sustairio's breakfast! The Zorro League is out to get Ron! FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES! Mouse. Mice. Moose. Twice and a freckle. Buy 7-11! Runza Sandwich- Runza Runzarunza-ERM!

Anyway... They entered Hogwarts. As they trudged through the Grand Hall, Ron tisked. "These windows are filthy! Someone needs to take care of this! I'll do it..." he looked determinedly at the windows.

"Ron, no! It's too dangerous!" Jenny pleaded with him.

"No, no my love. I know what I'm doing. It's going to be all right. Everything's going to be just fine. But if I don't come back... alive, remember me. I was your tummy button. I am your tummy button. And I will _always_ be your tummy button." And with that, Ron made out with Jenny for a while. 12 twelve minutes went by. Harry checked his watch. 34 minutes later, Katie cleared her throat.

"Ahem!" she said.

Ron and Jenny stopped (reluctantly) and Ron hopped up to the dirty windows. "This should do the trick," Ron said jovially, and pulled a cat out of his pocket. He also pulled out a bucket of Windex. He dunked the cat thoroughly in the Windex, and proceeded to scrub the windows. Eventually, the windows were clean, and instead of staring at a dirty window, Ron was staring at the face of Professor McGonagall. She suddenly burst through the window, tackling Ron and landing on the floor. When they hit, she yelled out, "Ow! My heart is broken!" She got up and looked around. Kristen and Morgan trotted in carrying a stretcher, put the professor on, and trotted off.

"Oh, no!" Katie cried. "Who will play the part of Daniel Radcliffe in the Harry Potter movies?! I'm ruined!" she wept.

"What?" Harry asked, hesitantly.

"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!" Katie wailed. "MY PLAY IS RUINED NOW THAT DANIEL RADCLIFFE'S HEART IS BROKEN!"

"Um, Katie, Professor McGonagall was the one with the uh... broken heart. Not Daniel Radcliffe. You, of all people, should know this, considering I'm Daniel Radcliffe."

"You?" Katie whispered, "You were Daniel Radcliffe all this time and you didn't even tell me?"

"Well, I'm not supposed to reveal my secret identity." Harry replied.

"So... you talked to Daniel?"

"Yes. He mentioned you."

"What did he say?"

"He asked me what I thought of you."

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'When you're looking into her eyes and she's looking back, it's like the world's turned upside down, and you're the strongest man on Earth, yet weak at the same time. You have to be steady and do the right thing even if it means giving up your dreams. Everyone needs a hero to look up to. Crowds go wild for a hero. They stand out in the rain for hours just to catch a glimpse of the one that taught them to hang on one second longer. Ladies go crazy for heroes. I believe there's a hero in all of us!"

Katie looked perplexed. "Huh?"

Harry looked embarrassed. "Uh, I mean..."

But Harry was cut short as Dumbledore entered the scene of the crime, I mean, the room. "Harry, I believe that, you owe me, $10."

"For what?"

Dumbledore shrugged. "I need some cash for the vending machine. These darn things get more expensive every year."

"All right..." Harry muttered, reaching into his pocket, and pulling out a few dollars. "All I have is $13."

"That'll work!" Dumbledore snatched away the money and stuffed it in his pocketses.

"Harry, you are one smart shopper!" Harry said proudly.

"I would trust Hagrid with my life!" Dumbledore said randomly. He started to walk away, but was flattened by a steamroller. Hagrid jumped out of the steam roller and said,

"Blimey, Headmaster! You're lookin' a bit green around the gills! Would you like ter borrow some of my cough medicine?"

Dumbledore was about to respond from under the steamroller, but Ron gasped and yelled out, "Hagrid! You know there are no steamrollers allowed in Hogwarts! Shame!"

Hagrid walked away in shame. Dumbledore, still under the steamroller, stretched his arm out from underneath, reached over to Ron, and tried to grab his wallet out from his pocketses. Unfortunately for the headmaster, Ron had experience in dealing with pickpocketses. He whipped around, roared, and sunk his teeth into Dumbledore's ancient arm.

"Huzzah!" Dumbledore yelped. He tried to yank his arm away, but Ron was biting it so hard that his arm popped off. "AAAUGHH!" he cried out. Ron looked down at the disembodied arm in his mouth and gagged.

"Ugh! I'm dying! It's killed me!"

Hagrid poked his head around the grand door. "Yer not dyin'!" said he, and he disappeared.

"Oh." Ron said, looked at the arm on the ground, and yelped, "Ugh!"

Dumbledore, a very crafty one indeed, grabbed his arm with his other arm, and popped it back onto his side. "Good thing I brought my screwdriver!" he said, crawling out from under the steamroller. Suddenly, Hagrid flew in on his flying motorbike and landed on the headmaster. He rolled off, picked up Dumbledore, and rode off, crashing out through a window.

"Good thing that was a dirty window!" Ron said enthusiastically.

"Well, ANYWAY." Jenny interrupted, "We need to find that tallest tower. Harry, you go up that staircase. Ron, you go to the Transfiguration classroom. Katie can go to Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Hermione, go to Hagrid's hut. As for me... I'll be a knight. I mean, I'll go to Potions in the Dungeons. Let's find that tallest tower!"


	13. The Button's Back!

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Chapter 13: The bUTton'S bACk!

Harry went reluctantly up the stairs, accompanied by no one, because no one could go with him. "This is a top-secret mission that you must do alone, only alone, and with no one else. You can bring along someone else, but they can't come with you. You need to do this alone, and just with you, yourself, and you. If I could come along, I wouldn't, because you have to do this alone. You can't go with anyone, and no one can go with you. It's just you. If anyone goes with you, they won't, because you have to go with no one. You cannot. If you do, you won't, 'cuz you can't. Got it?" He accused himself.

As he entered a classroom, he stared in horror at the teacher at the desk. It was Snapevine. Without looking up, Snapevine said quietly, "You shouldn't wander through the halls this late at night," although it was still the afternoon. "People will think you're..." He looked at Harry as if he just then noticed whom he was talking to, "UP to something."

"Oh, gosh!" Harry cried in false surprise, "Look at the time! Sorry, but, you know, I really have to be going, so, bye!" Harry was about to flee, flee for his life, but yet again, Snapevine rose from his seat and slammed down a button, lowering a metal door.

"NOOO! AAUGH!" Harry screeched in terror, clawing at the door. But, he realized, as Snapevine came closer, that it was too late.

Ron wandered into the deserted Transfiguration class. "Hello? Highest room? Tallest tower? Anyone? Oh, well. They must be out for lunch. Speaking of which, I could use some chow. I'm kind of in the mood for spaghetti. Mmm, spaghetti. Where does spaghetti come from?" Ron pondered, "A tree? A Great Spaghetti Monster? A vine? A-"

But before Ron could finish his sentence, a figure appeared in a balcony. "Did someone say _Vine_?" and with that, the figure swooped down upon Ron.

"NOOOOOO!!!!"

Katie watched solemnly as her friends departed to search for the tower. Finally, she was left alone in the Grand Hall. "Hmm... I guess I should go to Defense Against the Dark Arts. On the other hand, I'm hungry. Let's go find the cafeteria instead!" And with that, Katie left the Grand Hall (which was also the cafeteria, by the by) in search for food. When she came upon a staircase, she went up, looking in a room.

Katie gasped, glancing out the window. "This must be the tallest tower!" She said with pride. Sure enough, it was the highest room in the tallest tower on the largest mountain she ever did see. However, right as she was about to enter, a looming figure came up behind her.

"Looking for this?" he said, holding up a coffee machine.

"Not really." Katie said, but then looked up at the person holding it. "AAAAAUUGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screeched, as her life flashed before her eyes.

Hermione strolled out of the castle, muttering to herself. "Hagrid's Hut. I can't believe it. Someone with MY superior intellect sent to the filthy little shed. No matter. I bet I'll find the tower before any of them." She strolled down the lane to the hut. It sat there... menacingly. She stepped inside. "It's only a hut. Rather, the inside of a hut. Nothing special about it. It has a fireplace, a chair, a... Snapevine? FWOAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!" Her screams echoed through the hillside.

Jenny tumbled down the stairway to the dungeons. As she flopped on the ground at the base of the stairs, she pondered and then got up. It was dark and wet, with slime oozing from the walls. "Hey!" Jenny declared, "I bet this is where Snapevine lives!" She walked around a bit, then sat down and meditated. She lit a candle. It was cinnamon flavored. "Heninah, heninah." She chanted. Suddenly, it went out. Jenny opened her eyes to stare up at Snapevine dressed in a clown suit.

"Do you like clowns?" Snapevine asked quietly.

"Well, in my younger days, I was scared of clowns. Ooh! Once, there was this clown, and he took this thing, and he... uh, anyway, then he told me, 'If you believe in yourself, and with a tiny pinch of magic, all your dreams can come true!' Then, I told him that he was the master of torture. Then, he gave me a Krabby Patty, and it was nasty! It had a piece of mold growing on it, and I think something was living inside it. So, I screamed and threw it in his face, and he started chasing me, and then he turned into Ms. Gibbs, the evil French teacher, and she was chasing me through an elaborate maze of tunnels in this hospital/ torture chamber thingy for a field trip on the 1st day of school, and then I was jumping around on lily pads and rescuing a long-lost sneaker from a watery grave but she snuck up on me and I fled, fled for my life until I got to a bus where Ms. Hickey was waiting and then I fainted. Actually, that was a dream I had, but I was scared of clowns anyway. " Jenny replied.

"Are you still scared of clowns?" The Royal Vine questioned.

"Yeah..." Jenny said.


	14. The Cold Spaghetti Western

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Chapter 14: The cold spaghetti western

Once there was a bug. Yes, a bug. That bug had nothing to do with the story, but it did in fact have a driver's license. The end. Anyway...

The Royal Vine had rounded up the gaggle of children and in sand they sat, tied to a vine in the middle of the Dungeons. Snapevine was slinking around the vine, chanting, chanting, and more, chanting. Harry, Ron, and Hermione cowered in fear, tied to the vine. Katie and Jenny cowered too, but they just pretended to be tied to the vine. They were, in actuality, chained to the vine. _There is a difference_. And since they were different, they wanted to fit in and pretended to be tied to the vine as well. Somehow, the gnomes also ended up tied to the vine, along with Wipwop. They, however, were not cowering in fear, but were instead playing poker. Wipwop won. Special moments.

So anyway, Snapevine slithered around the vine, handing out vine-covered books. "Um... Dr. Snape von Rertigan..." Jenny questioned.

But before she could say anything else, Snape whirled around and shouted, "DO NOT QUESTION THE VINE! Turn to page 394..."

"But..."

"Turn to page 394!"

"Mr. Snapevine?"

"TURN TO PAGE 394!"

"But..."

"Page 394! Turn to page 394."

"Yeah, I kinda know that by now, but..."

"Page 394!"

"ALL RIGHT!"

"Page 394..." He muttered to himself. "Page 394...Page 394..."

Jenny leaned over and whispered to Ron, "Well, I was going to tell him that his cloak's on fire, but I guess he can find out for himself."

"SILENCE!" the vine roared, "PAGE 394! &$%#!!"

"Ooh, language!" Katie said, "You're gonna get in trouble!"

"Oho? And who's going to stop me?" the vine queried, grinning maniacally. Cackling. Cackling madly. "It's not like a horde of lemurs is going to burst in here, first asking for the directions to the restroom, then sacking me and telling me my cloak's on fire!"

Suddenly, the door was kicked down, and a lemur hobbled in. "Which way to the men's room?" it asked Snapevine.

"Over there," he responded.

"Thanks," it said, "Hey, guys, come on! I think we finally found it!" And with that, a horde of lemurs came flooding into the room. They pondered, then headed for the restroom. When they had fled the scene, one remained. It turned around and said, "Oh, and by the way, you're fired. _And_ you're on fire." Then it ran off to the men's room.

"Grr!" Snapevine said. "Oh, well, at least I still have my captives..." but as he looked over to the vine, he saw that the children were gone. In their place were Fred and George, wearing toupees and spraying each other with spray paint. "What are you doing here?!" he roared.

Fred and George looked at the Vine, untied themselves, and left. Snapevine was about to chase after them and eat them as side dishes, but all of a sudden he realized that his cloak had caught on fire.

"All right, guys, I think the coast is clear!" Fred screamed at the top of his lungs, pouring Harry, Ron, Hermione, Katie, and Jenny out of his coat pocket. George also poured out the contents of his cloak, Wipwop and the gnomes.

"We'd better leave soon." Katie said, "Who knows how fast Vines are capable of running!"

"GASP!" cried George, "I know where we can go! The ski lift of tomorrow!"

"The ski lift of... tomorrow?" Harry pondered.


End file.
